With the award season upon us and everyone has given out their praises, its also time for everyone to speak on what they hated. What can I say, its fun. And for one of the few times I am in agreement with Michael Phillips of the Chicago Tribune. Well, at least with his number one pick.
5 Movies that critics had concrete hard-ons over that I said..."eh, they're okay"
5. The Host - I lost track of how many critics said this was truly great horror movie. I think Jim Emerson from the Chicago Sun-Times said "...wild, crazy, messy, preposterous -- and all the better for it". Well, I agree with the first part.
4. Superbad - It's not that its "bad", lol, it just looks rather limp after seeing "Knocked Up". Sure, some of it's funny, but instead of the crudeness actually making you roll on the floor like Apatow's first of '07, this one in which he produces, continues to trail off until the end. Many have said that Seth Rogen and Bill Hader's cop non-plot per se was played out for too long. Honestly, they are the ones I am thanking most for getting me to laugh. And if you thought their part had no plot, did you watch the rest of the movie? Note: You can of course now see Michael Cera play the same role in Juno. Also, the same role he played in Arrested Development. Also...okay, you see where I'm going right?
3. Borat - I know, I know, technically released at the end of last year (to raves). I didn't hate Borat, but I couldn't figure out what was supposed to be so damn funny. Sure, I did laugh, but not like the other people in the dollar theatre who were probably seeing this for the 4th time. What this really supposed to so "out-there" and "controversial"? Maybe I'm just not easily shocked. Dunno.
2. Rescue Dawn - Rescue Dawn isn't a bad movie and Christian Bale is pretty good in the role of Dieter Dengler, whose plane is downed over Vietnam, on his first mission. Yes, it's like Missing In Action, with a true story and much better acting. And I had began to wonder where Steve Zahn had gone the last 5 years or so. This was supposed to be a one of those true stories of inspiration, but I tell you what, after the last 20 minutes or so of this I left the theatre cold as ice after the demise of a certain character and the absolute nothingness that seems to be felt by the star.
1. The Queen - I know, also from late last year. Not awful. None of these are. Helen Mirren's mimic is quite good. James Cromwell isn't so great. What is more obvious than anything else is that Judi Dench's performance in Notes on a Scandal trump's Mirren's so greatly that it goes down in my books as one of Oscar's biggest screw-ups.
And the absolute worst...
10. Perfect Stranger - It's more about the convoluted ending than anything else. Okay, it's way beyond convoluted.
9. Transformers - Did anyone actually think that this would be worth 1/2 a shit after Michael Bay signed-on as the director? It's not, and if John Turturro's talent was ever completely wasted (which is hard to do), this is it. Check out Shia Labeouf's much better summer film, Disturbia.
8. Spiderman 3 - Yeah, you thought it looked promising at first with that evil black suit and all didn't you? Yeah, I did too. Too bad it sucked. Not dark enough, and the attempts comedy with Tobey were um...yeah, let's forget about it.
7. Death Proof - This was supposed to be the better of the two right? God I hope not. Not funny or serviceable in its supposed homage to the exploitation flicks of the 70's. And Tarantino has was over-extended himself with his once-hip dialogue. If I wasn't Kurt Russell fan I would have turned it off before it ended. Probably should have.
6. Hitman - Yeah, the premise is pretty stupid. And so is the rest of it. I do have a question though, if you're supposed to be one of the greatest assassins in the world, wouldn't it make more since to grow your hair out, or at least cover the barcode tatoo on your head with a hat?
5. The Hitcher - Yeah, I do like horror movies. The original back in 1986 with Rutger Hauer, John C. Howell and Jennifer Jason Leigh was actually scary and engaging. Now, all we have is upped production values and a whole lot of gore, body parts, etc. Sean Bean is not exactly the man for the job, and the supporting cast is lesser so. So much that you are cheering for their demise.
4. The Contract - I am not sure exactly how Morgan Freeman or John Cusack got messed up in this piece of garbage that plays out like a bad cable movie. In fact, I think it went straight to dvd. How either of these actors is in something that goes straight to video is beyond me. I'm not sure who they owed a favor to, but I hope that debt has been paid.
3. Tideland/The Reaping - Two examples of good, talented people, one being a director and one an actress who both seem completely lost. Terry Gilliam has made many movies that I can count among my favorites. From Monty Python and the Holy Grail to Brazil to The Fisher King, 12 Monkeys and Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas Gilliam's film always leave you with something to talk about. Except for the last two. After not releasing anything for 7 years (the ill-fated "The Man Who Killed Don Quixote nonwithstanding), then directing this and The Brothers Grimm back-to-back. Well, the only thing we are talking about now is how bad they are. Tideland is a complete, absolute mess and a total waste of Jeff Bridges (and your time for watching this). Hillary Swank on the other hand, has two Oscars to her name. I'm not sure how, but she does. Don't get me wrong, "Boys Don't Cry" and "Million Dollar Baby" are very good movies and she is excellent in them. I'm just saying that, outside of "Insomnia", everything else she has done has stunk-up the joint. "The Reaping" is so bad I couldn't even enjoy it for some kind of camp value. You won't either.
2. Black Christmas - Oh wow, if my number hadn't come around, this would have been a clear winner. It's that bad. I know, surprise, another good original turned into complete shit by a re-make. Hard to believe by now. The acting is awful, well beyond actually. The directing, okay I'm going to stop. It's all shit.
1. Hostel: Part II - Eli Roth. What's happenin'? You make Cabin Fever, a really good low-budget horror film, that's gory as hell but also a hell of a lot of fun. Then you make Hostel. Mmmm...losing the humor a bit. Still creepy. Sadism and toture elements ratcheted up. But at least a somewhat original storyline where the viewer isn't exactly sure where their loyalties should lie. Then you make this. This utter piece of shit. There is no joke here, no wink of the eye. And overall its simply a bore. Please don't make a 3rd.
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