The time has arrived to check out...for a few

...It is now...that time...to sort some stuff out...to take an adventure of sorts

On bended knee is no way to be
freelifting up an empty cup I ask silently
that all my destinations will accept the one that's me
so I can breath

Circles they grow and they swallow people whole
half their lives they say goodnight to wive's they'll never know
got a mind full of questions and a teacher in my soul
so it goes...

Don't come closer or I'll have to go
Holding me like gravity are places that pull
If ever there was someone to keep me at home
It would be you...

Everyone I come across in cages they bought
they think of me and my wandering
but I'm never what they thought
got my indignation but I'm pure in all my thoughts
I'm alive...

Wind in my hair, I feel part of everywhere
underneath my being is a road that disappeared
late at night I hear the trees
they're singing with the dead
overhead...

Leave it to me as I find a way to be
consider me a satelite for ever orbiting
I knew all the rules but the rules did not know me
guaranteed...

-- Eddie Vedder, Guaranteed

5 more days...

Yes, 5 more days have passed and I have nothing new to really talk about. I say that because I wouldn't call mounting frustration and lack of sleep to really be new things. They are old. Its all pretty much old shit by now. And to be honest, I am very fucking tired of it. Very. I suppose some people are born with more patience than others. I used to think that I had a good deal of it. Perhaps I did. But right now, I can tell you that it is used up. Dry. Bone dry. I'm not sure what else to write, or why I continue to write...is anyone besides Josh reading these? Maybe there is some therapy in it. Somewhere. It just seems like the end of the line gets reached on a daily basis. And yet, I wake up (when sleep is there) for one more day.

So far...

I can’t sleep.
Dry red eyes wide open.
Stare at the white stucco ceiling.
I turn on the TV,watch music on television.
Have I heard this song before?
Did this already happen?
Derived influence in style of dress.
Similar trends in camera technique and editing.
Sync up the cuts to the bass drum kick.
All the taste makers drinking from the same glass.
Is there anyone thinking what I am?
Is there anyone thinking what I am?

Are you restless like me? -- Against Me!, "Up the Cuts"

So far, a week into these meds, my sleep has actually gotten worse. I've tried going to bed earlier, somewhere in the middle, and the usual (i.e. early morning), and it has been a restless disaster to this point. I'm up typing this now based on another failed attempt. But hey, if I had any money I'd be already to head to BestBuy in a few hours and wait in line for those "great" deals. (Seriously, is it just me, or are the deals at Circuit City waaaaaay better than BestBuy this year?)

That bipolar thing...

I guess I won't say I was shocked at the diagnosis by the psychiatrist yesterday. The symptoms have been there for awhile. Years, if I really look back. No, it's not bipolar 1, that which is generally associated with destruction, the longer periods of elation/mania, harm to self/others, etc. But its still bipolar. Still the restless nights/staying up for most of the night, sleeping during the day (no wonder all-nighters in college were so easy). Short periods of elation/mania, followed by pretty awful depressive crashes and a serious lack of concentration, and plenty of suicidal thoughts. That combined with not being able to hold down a job on a consistent basis the last 4 years or so (getting no sleep while trying to work day shifts is never a good thing) AND attempted to come to terms with the sexual abuse that happened as a kid...well, it kind of fucks things up. In a big way.

I'm not going to talk about this like I am an expert. I'm not. All cases are different in some fashion. I hope to try and educate myself further in the near future. I do know this. All I can do now is hope and pray (and ask for the prayer of others). Pray that the medication that was prescribed will do what it is supposed to do. And does it fairly quickly. And perhaps...maybe...things will get a little bit clearer after that. Cause I am serious lacking in many things...including a true personal relationship with Jesus, friends, a church, career direction, and the ability to write about music and film in a clear-concise manner. Well, that and being in debt with nothing coming in at the moment. Never good. But anyway, not really sure what writing will be done in the near future. Perhaps some year end lists if I can manage. Or maybe I'll feel like writing all the time. Dunno.

A few things I'd really like to see are No Country for Old Men, Before the Devil Knows You're Dead, Charlie Wilson's War, The Savages, The Kite Runner, Juno, Grace is Gone, Margot at the Wedding and Sweeney Todd.

Oh...by the way, forget about what the majority of critics said about The Hunting Party and go see it. It really does the balance between humor and seriousness pretty well. Good stuff. Richard Gere's career year with this and The Hoax (which you need to rent immediately if you haven't already).